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Mess and Margaret by ~brytning:iconbrytning:



It was one of those hazy, hot afternoons when there was nothing I wanted to do. A Friday, too, so I didn’t even have homework. I got home from school, dumped my backpack on the floor, and flopped onto my bed. I flicked on my portable fan for some cool air and stared at the ceiling for a while. Not that there was anything to look at, mind. When I was little I had those glow-in-the-dark stars glued to my ceiling, but they’d fallen off some time ago, leaving their faint outlines in dust.

After a while, I pulled a small metal puzzle box out of my pocket and fiddled with it absently. I had a whole shelf of them, little trinkets my parents bought me in science museums and souvenir shops. They weren’t much, just sets of triangles you had to fit together or a tiny maze, but they were still entertaining several times over since I nearly always forgot how I’d solved them before.

I was on the verge of getting something to eat from the kitchen when Dean chose that moment to pop his head into my open bedroom window and call out, “Busy, McPepper?”

I jumped a few inches off my bed in surprise and stuffed the puzzle back into my pocket. “Geez, man! Mind knocking?”

Dean laughed, climbed through the window, and perched on the arm of my recliner across the room. “So what’s up?” he asked.

I sat up and shrugged. “Bored. What are you doing here, your mom kick you out again?”

He laughed again, an airy, carefree sort of laugh that might have sounded girly had it been from anyone else. “No, Hatch invited me over. Thought I’d see if you wanted to come.”

I gulped. “Margaret Hatch?”

Dean raised an eyebrow at me with a smirk and nodded once.

I ran a hand through my short, curly hair. “Well, I suppose I could fit it in to my schedule…If it means that much to you, of course.”

He saw me and his smirk turned into another laugh. “Alright, let’s go.”

“Hold on,” I said. I shuffled to the doorway of my bedroom and called out, “Mom, I’m going over to Dean’s, okay?”

“You’d better get your room cleaned first!” came the shrill answer.

I turned around and groaned. I had laundry all over the floor in piles – clean or dirty I had no idea – stacks of books, game cartridges scattered on the shelves where the books belonged, and pieces of an old science project I’d accidentally stepped on last week and hadn’t picked up.

Dean surveyed the scene with me, unconcerned. “Just shove it all under your bed,” he suggested.

“No room under there,” I said. “Closet’s pretty full too.” Most the hiding space in my room was taken up by old train sets and wooden models I’d never finished. It looked grim. “Maybe I can just pick some stuff up really quick…and Mom will want me to vacuum too – ”

“Come on, man,” Dean said, heading back toward the window. “The future Mrs. Clark won’t wait all day!”

I scowled, then returned his grin and followed him outside.
©2009 ~brytning
:iconbrytning:

Author's Comments

Submission for :iconwriters-workshop: 's Vignette workshop; a short piece about Abraham Clark who narrates my longer story "Pies and Peg."

Word count: 536

Comments


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:iconhalatia:
I really like the dialogue in this piece. Very natural in the flow.

I think there is a danger in this piece in that I had no idea until I read your author's notes that the narrator was a boy. Left without physical description or pronouns, I had no idea who was doing the talking, and that made the interaction between the narrator and Dean hard to truly understand. Was it a boy talking to a fellow boy? Or a girl talking to a boy? Since the action to be taken surrounds going to a girl's house (a girl who is very nicely implied to be someone's fancy), I think it is essential that we know the narrator's gender, so that we can start to get a feel for motivations behind actions.

I'm not quite certain how to feel about the piece, for so many of the ideas are disjointed. Why the importance of the puzzle box? Does it matter that it is hot outside? What does Dean look like? What does the narrator look like? Maybe breaking it down into more description and less dialogue would help get a feel for the surroundings.

As the workshop really focused on having a "crux" in the story, may I ask what you view the crux of this piece to be?

I really liked the bit here: leaving their faint outlines in dust.

Lovely piece of imagery.

--
Anyone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
~ Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly
:iconlunaticstar:
I remember those days! Lazy summer days and impromptu plans with friends. A good read, kind of nostalgic, and it was like a complete, happy thought. :nod:

--
If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak. - Jayne, Firefly.
:iconmsklystron:
Gah! No wonder my kids' rooms are so messy.:) Nicely told. The choice between order/Mom and possible romance is a no-brainer for the narrator. This brought back nice memories.:)

Nicely written!

--
Stop popping that bubble wrap and check out *ThePurpleNurple
“Make [your] characters want something right away—even if it’s only a glass of water."-- Kurt Vonnegut Jr.
:iconbrytning:
I agree about the gender of the narrator being inconspicuous for most of it--I thought the mess and science stuff pointed toward him being a boy, but obviously I should include more concrete details! Thanks for pointing that out.

The "crux" of this piece was basically that the narrator's friend convinced him to ditch out on his mom for a girl, but it isn't a very monumental moment. I mostly focused on providing a snapshot of this teenage boy rather than any profound, symbolic meaning or some such (I didn't intend for the puzzle boxes to have any significance, just a part of his room). Thank you for reading and for your comments!

--
"To refuse awards is another way of accepting them with more noise than is normal."
- Peter Ustinov
:iconhalatia:
Maybe most would have picked up on the mess and science stuff pointing to a boy - but as a messy scientist female myself, I probably just saw a lot of myself in the narrator. ;)

--
Anyone ever tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
~ Captain Malcolm Reynolds, Firefly

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April 15
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